A conceptual design for a new iPad case would let Apple fanbois get very personal indeed with their favorite fondleslab.
The Fleshlight iPad holder comes to us from the fertile, febrile mind of prolific designer, author, recipe-creator, and opinionater Tv Slicèdbread Miller. The device – currently only in conceptual-design form …
Let me count the ways ... that this could go bad
#
1a. A wanker's iPad is hacked and they become "famous on the Internet", complete with streaming video and audio.
1b. Potential employer searches the Internet for pictures of a job applicant, and matches on the video. Wanker's esume goes into the dustbin.
1c. Police trawling the Internet adds the wanker to their un-official list of "usual suspects".
1d. Insurance companies trawling the Internet get a match, conclude "wanking == unhappy marriage and increased likelihood of insured participating in high-risk activities." Insurance denied, dropped, or premiums raised.
1e. There was an error/inconsistency/whatever in Apple's database, so non-wanker suffers consequences 1b through 1d.
2a. Apple writes an app which analyzes the contents of users' "diagnostic" data streams, looks at accelerometer data, and automatically voids the wankers' warranties due to "excessive shock and vibration"; then . . .
2b. Apple's "confidential" database is breached, and the perps post the data on the Internet.
2c. Wankers and non-wankers, exposed and data-matched by name rather than face, suffer consequences 1b-1d, above.
... if the Romans found a legionnaire having carnal knowledge of another man, he would be stoned and beaten to death by his own comrades. And people complained about DADT...
Can you take a picture of your member and have it take part in the video you're watching? If the attachment had some sort of sensor inside it, the video could fast-forward to the end just as you, get into the station, so to speak. It'd save splashing out on an expensive replacement gadget.
"Presumably porn makers would leap at the chance to come up with shooting styles that enhance the illusion that the user is making love to an actual human"
It's a great way to recharge the batteries without needing a wall socket, and it would help the environment too. The government should hand these out for free.
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iPad Fleshlight lets fanbois express their love
A conceptual design for a new iPad case would let Apple fanbois get very personal indeed with their favorite fondleslab. The Fleshlight iPad holder comes to us from the fertile, febrile mind of prolific designer, author, recipe-creator, and opinionater Tv Slicèdbread Miller. The device – currently only in conceptual-design form …
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Posted Friday 27th January 2012 14:12 GMT
Linbox
my thoughts *exactly* #
<click>
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 00:49 GMT #
Dick Pountain
Oh right, a kind of external hard drive.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 00:57 GMT
atomic jam
Is that the new... #
...hands free adapter.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 01:37 GMT
Anonymous Coward
Out of town? #
Get your wife the female version (there must be one) and place a video call!
Not sure about the ipad but the (ahem) touchpad has a vibrate function.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 04:22 GMT
Anonymous Coward
This gives a whole new meaning to "fondleslab" #
This gives a whole new meaning to "fondleslab"
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 05:25 GMT
Anonymous Coward
Let me count the ways ... that this could go bad #
1a. A wanker's iPad is hacked and they become "famous on the Internet", complete with streaming video and audio.
1b. Potential employer searches the Internet for pictures of a job applicant, and matches on the video. Wanker's esume goes into the dustbin.
1c. Police trawling the Internet adds the wanker to their un-official list of "usual suspects".
1d. Insurance companies trawling the Internet get a match, conclude "wanking == unhappy marriage and increased likelihood of insured participating in high-risk activities." Insurance denied, dropped, or premiums raised.
1e. There was an error/inconsistency/whatever in Apple's database, so non-wanker suffers consequences 1b through 1d.
2a. Apple writes an app which analyzes the contents of users' "diagnostic" data streams, looks at accelerometer data, and automatically voids the wankers' warranties due to "excessive shock and vibration"; then . . .
2b. Apple's "confidential" database is breached, and the perps post the data on the Internet.
2c. Wankers and non-wankers, exposed and data-matched by name rather than face, suffer consequences 1b-1d, above.
Just sayin'... "Polly Plastic" is much safer.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 07:40 GMT
Anonymous Coward
hahahahahaha #
*note, sequence has been shortened
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 16:37 GMT
Local Group
@ Let me count the ways #
the ribbed polymer pocket denies your member egress and the paramedics are called in with 'jaws of life'.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 07:56 GMT
Anonymous Coward
hey babe #
make me a sammich while I check my email
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 09:30 GMT
Ascylto
23456 #
"Windows geeks bringing up the rear"
So, Windows geeks are gay, huh?
I, too, saw what you did there.
Anyway, the Romans did it and look what happened to them!
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 10:08 GMT
Jedit
Well, actually... #
... if the Romans found a legionnaire having carnal knowledge of another man, he would be stoned and beaten to death by his own comrades. And people complained about DADT...
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 09:32 GMT #
Ben Rosenthal
Well there is the lack of a kick stand sorted.
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 11:03 GMT
Anonymous Coward
With Virtual Reality? #
Can you take a picture of your member and have it take part in the video you're watching? If the attachment had some sort of sensor inside it, the video could fast-forward to the end just as you, get into the station, so to speak. It'd save splashing out on an expensive replacement gadget.
The mind boggles :-)
This post has been deleted by its author
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 11:25 GMT
bill 36
with windows geeks bringing up the rear #
ha ha ha
you owe me a new keyboard
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:04 GMT
Anonymous Coward
Warranty #
Didn't you run a story or two about folk having repairs under warranty refused for their iDevices because of moisture indicators being tripped?
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:04 GMT
Powernumpty
Onanism App #
Do you get to see a transparent version of yourself overlaid (!) from the last time you used it?
I'm trying to beat my best!
Probably some game manufacturer out there now devising a set of levels for "trigger happy" lads to work through.
First level is obvious and only the most committed push through to a "Knightley".
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:37 GMT
Crisp
Development API #
Is there an API for this device? Or is it just an inert lump of plastic that just clips on underneath?
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:48 GMT
S Larti
Desert Wife? #
If this does prove popular with troops deployed far from home, their girls back home willl need a new version of a classic song:
"Don't fap under the Apple pad with anyone else but me."
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:48 GMT
Anonymous Coward
facetime #
or skype... accidentally accept the call?
Seriously though, this device is necessary in the evolution of sexbots... I am sure a few on here are old enough to remember Cherry 2000 ?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092746/
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 12:48 GMT #
Eddie Edwards
"Presumably porn makers would leap at the chance to come up with shooting styles that enhance the illusion that the user is making love to an actual human"
Google "POV" ...
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 13:22 GMT
atomic jam
New Battery Charger #
It's a great way to recharge the batteries without needing a wall socket, and it would help the environment too. The government should hand these out for free.
Beer cause it's Friday!
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 14:03 GMT
Danny 5
exclamationmark #
Finally there's a legitimate use for the Ipad!
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 14:13 GMT #
Obviously!
Fucking sick!
Dirty perverted b stards!
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 14:52 GMT #
b166er
(s)troll on Obviously!
Shouldn't the labia resemble the Apple logo, with the apple stalk playing the part of clitoris?
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 15:14 GMT
Anonymous Coward
Accelerometer and 69 #
Why is it that when I looked at the number of comments, it was sitting at 69
And will the iPad make use of the accelormeter and adjust the video accordingly for a truely interactive experience.?
Posted Friday 27th January 2012 19:43 GMT
Tigra 07
Now... #
If they made one for the Xoom with a cock we'd be in business!
Preferably in the UP position =]
Posted Saturday 28th January 2012 00:54 GMT
Anonymous Coward
And how does this fit with #
the prohibition of porn apps?
Posted Monday 30th January 2012 08:38 GMT
TvMiller
Photographs, Video, Web Streaming #
You are failing to understand that apps really are not even necessary.
A video can be played full screen in portrait.
A photograph full screen.
Perhaps a browser that opens a Fleshlight POV porn site that will play an interactive Flash/HTML5 video with your unit (pun intended)
Skype, Facetime.
An app is merely for going to extremes that we haven't touched yet but not even yet required.
You're welcome!
Posted Saturday 28th January 2012 11:12 GMT
Anonymous Coward
Ig Nobel prize for biology #
In 3...2..1..
Actually I can see this selling to troops deployed abroad, as well as other um, deprived individuals.
AC/DC
Posted Sunday 29th January 2012 20:11 GMT
Wize
Suppose it would make a handy iPad stand... #
...when checking your online Playboy subscription.
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